By Alex Siquig
Credit PHOTOGRAPH BY NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY VIA WIKIMEDIA COMMONS Don’t let the fact that he’s been dead for five hundred and thirty years fool you—there isn’t a more astute political mind around today than that of Richard III, the last Plantagenet king of England. Recently, we invited some Presidential candidates to seek advice from Richard. Here’s what he had to say!
Hi, Richard, maybe you can help me out here. My enemies are trying to destroy my campaign by repeating the name of a Libyan city over and over and insinuating that I am happy when Americans die. Shouldn’t these people get real?
Sincerely,
In It to Win It
Dear In It to Win It,
Here are some facts about me: I was King of England for two years. I am five feet eight. I love my mother. She was a great woman, strong and pious. But, to answer your question that you already know the answer to, those people should indeed “get real” and stop masquerading their half-baked revenge plots as a principled crusade against corruption. However, you should get real as well. If you expect your enemies to shape up of their own accord, then I have a drawbridge to sell you at Ludlow Castle. It is not a good drawbridge. It is a bad drawbridge. Do you want the drawbridge? I am selling it.
*
Why don’t people like me? People liked my brother, and I am objectively way smarter and also taller than him. I just don’t get it!
Sincerely,
Jeb!
Dear Jeb!,
People do not like you because you are unlikeable. I am an English King who is best known for murdering my nephews, so I get it. Thank you for writing.
*
I betrayed my high-profile mentor (name rhymes with Beb Jush), and he is now floundering in the polls. Was I wrong to stab this man in the back? I think I was not wrong, but would love your take.
Best,
Marco Rubio
Hello. Your handwriting is very precise. As a man who has been betrayed by almost everyone he has ever put his faith in (Warwick the Kingmaker, Thomas Lord Stanley; Henry Percy, the Duke of Northumberland), I will say only this: I don’t care about you, and nor should anyone else. Even that hack Shakespeare would not be able to make you half as interesting as a small but easily contained brush fire.
*
I recently admitted on live television to killing a man in the heat of battle and then smiled a sort of weird grin. Any advice for a fellow man of war? Like you, I have killed a man, by the way.
Sincerely,
Very Worried in Virginia, a State I Was Once Senator from
Dear Very Worried In Virginia, a State You Were Once Senator from,
I fought in a dozen battles, but Bosworth will always be the battle. It was the end of all—my hopes and dreams and legacy bludgeoned by capricious fate. But here is my advice: you are a little creepy and probably should not run for President. Watch “Braveheart” ten times instead.
*
I don’t need your advice, nor should you, an English monarch, feel it is your place to instruct us, the ninety-nine per cent. The rich have literally hijacked this country, and we’re done allowing our ersatz nobility to buy whatever the hell they want while the common man barely scrapes by. But, in all fairness, you should know—I believe you when you say that you didn’t kill your bratty nephews. Obviously the Duke of Buckingham was guilty of that. Bye.
Senator Sanders
Dear Senator Sanders,
Thank you for your kind words. My father, brother, uncle, and cousin all died on the same day. It was a horrible day—a “bummer,” as you yourself might say.
*
You are a man of God, as I am. I was wondering if you’d like to endorse me for President. I also play the bass guitar!
Mike Huckabee
You shall never have my endorsement. The bass guitar is a lowborn instrument, and largely pointless. The bass guitar is an instrument a serf would play. You are much like a serf.
*
You have no place in our political process.
Warm regards,
Ted Cruz
Dear Ted Cruz,
I had two illegitimate children, Katherine and Johnny. I loved them very much. Henry Tudor had Johnny’s head cut off. You remind me of Henry Tudor, though he was fairer to look upon. Please do not write again if you do not have a question.
*
I am a doctor, and second opinions are part of the job. I was wondering if I could get a second opinion on the following: (1) the Holocaust would never have happened if the Jews had guns; (2) the Egyptians used pyramids for storing grain; (3) homosexuality is a choice; (4) I definitely won ten dollars for being honest at Yale; (5) the Affordable Care Act is worse than slavery; (6) “True Lies” is my favorite movie.
Sincerely,
A Certain Sleepy Brain Surgeon
Dear Ben Carson,
Thank you for doing what I am told is good work as a healer—keeping the humors in balance and trepanning and ripping twins apart and so on and so forth. Anyway, “True Lies” is definitely your favorite movie. As to the rest, I was an anointed King of England, so I won’t dignify your demented attempts to troll me. Clearly you don’t actually believe any of that. You are an educated man! I was born in Fotheringhay Castle, in 1452. Back then, our teeth were not so nice. Food also tasted very bad. I have nothing more to say to you.
*
Have you ever seen someone dominate an election like this? I would have curb-stomped Reagan. I am more popular than Mussolini ever was. I am significantly taller than Jesus. I’ve made a huge amount of money, and I’m not going to apologize to anyone for that. China is scared of me. My question is: How are you?
Sincerely,
Talking Loudly Inside Trump Towers
Dear Donald,
Thank you for writing. I am fine, though afflicted by a certain melancholy for, as I understand it, most of you think I am the ruthless caricature created by that cretinous ass William Shakespeare. Do you people really think I was in my mother’s womb for two years and born with fangs? That not only did I kill my own brother’s sweet sons but I also found time to kill Henry VI, his son Edward, and my own beloved brother George? That I murdered my wife so that I could marry my niece? Calumny. Oh, and Donald? You are like poison that screams its victim to death. You belong in a dungeon.
